Wakey Wakey Lemon Cakey, August 2012

I am a firm believer that the first hour of your day can shape the rest of your day. When I was in high school, my mother would consistently wake me up seven minutes before my alarm was set to go off (which always made me wonder why she bugged me the night before to make sure I set the alarm in the first place) by yelling at me, "Meredith, get up already! Stop lying around."

I would feel irritated, helpless, resentful, and that I had been robbed of free choice--and all day long I'd feel that "I'm running late" panic (even when not actually running late, which was confusing) with an attendant feeling of not knowing what was expected of me. No one needs that kind of anxiousness, which started at 5:30a.m. and ran another 18 hours, five days a week.

Nowadays, I like to wake up to music. I was looking up "morning playlist" online, and found most of them to be sickeningly sweet, where every song includes "good morning," "sunshine," "hello," or some nauseating combination thereof. I am not a morning person, and would punch someone in the face if I had to listen to "Walking on Sunshine," "Good Morning, Starshine," "Good Day, Sunshine," and "Beautiful Day" every damn morning.

On the flip side are the playlists designed to get you out of bed and ready to punch someone in the face--"I'm awake and full of RAAAAGE" playlists, which include such charming ditties as "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor," Metallica's "The Struggle Within," and anything by Korn. These playlists, incidentally, are identical to the ones dudes make when it's chest and shoulder day at the gym.

The third type of playlist is the mellow playlist--so mellow, in fact, as to not actually wake you up. These playlists often include John Meyer, Jason Mraz, Michael Buble, and Carly Simon, unless "You're so Vain" gets you pumped. With a mellow playlist, you wake up tapping your foot, feeling relaxed and cheerful--and realize you're so relaxed because it's already 11:30 and you've slept til lunch.

Here is my current morning playlist, for your consideration. Of course everyone thinks they have great taste in music, but I had to factor in my husband and kids' taste in music, so that is what makes this playlist especially rocking. If you're on Grooveshark, you can find me (mer4ie) and this playlist.

Let me know what your favorite a.m. songs are; we can start a list.
And stop lying around already!

"Ankle Injuries"--Fujiya & Miyagi
"Boogie-Woogie No. 5"--Puffy Ami Yumi
"Break My Stride"--Matthew Wilder
"Call Your Girlfriend"--Robyn
"Come On Eileen"--Save Ferris
"Danza Kuduro"--Don Omar & Lucenzo
"Good Morning Baltimore"--Hairspray soundtrack
"Good Morning Freedom"--Blue Mink
"Grace Kelly"--MIKA
"Hello Seattle"--Owl City
"Hooked on a Feeling"--Blue Swede (and I dare anyone to stay asleep after the "Ooga Chakka ooga chakka")
"Just Can't Get Enough"--Depeche Mode
"L.O.V.E."--V.V. Brown
"Phat Fish"--Pimpbot
"Silly Love Songs"--Wings
"Stuck Like Glue"--Sugarland
"Take On Me"--A-Ha
"Up Up Up"--Givers
"Walking on Sunshine"--Katrina & the Waves (okokok, I love this song)
"Life's a Happy Song"--The Muppets soundtrack

Thoughts while listening to MDNA and Googling

I recently installed Spotify on my laptop, and it told me Madonna came out with a new album, MDNA. As I did for Lana Del Rey, I decided to listen to Madonna's new album in its entirety, with furious Googling and a kind of stream-of-conscience music/personna review.

Let's begin:

-I wish Madonna would stop referring to herself as a girl. If there is any female in the Western world who exists in the fullness of her womanhood, it is Madonna. I mean, really. She's 53. I'm going to relisten to this album and keep a tally.

-Oh wait, I did know Madonna was coming out with a new album. She performed for the Super Bowl. I remember now, because I caught flack on the Facebooks for saying that when I see Madonna perform nowadays, I want to give her a calcium chew and some sensible shoes. My friend John Paul told me that she was moving like that during the half time show because during dress rehearsal she had pulled a muscle or something. I stand (or step mincingly) corrected.

-In "I'm a Sinner," Madonna refers to St. Anthony, St. Sebastian, and other "saints and holy men." I like that she is expanding her Catholic schtick to include more of that religion's pantheon. And Wiki tells me that St. Sebastian is the patron saint of athletes, archers, homosexuals, and, um, the bubonic plague. And that he's commonly shown tied to a post and being shot with arrows--Madonna even mentions arrows. Aha! Now the "Losing My Religion" video makes more sense.

-"Girl Gone Wild." Again, with the girl thing. But more importantly: the mantyhose video! Meggings, mights, male foundation garments. At this point, I can't even hear the song, for the remembrance of that video is filling up my senses like a night in a steamy, homoerotically charged forest.

-Madonna recently did an interview where she talks about how hard it can be to be the single parent of four kids. Four? Someone picked up another accessory baby and didn't send out a press release. It is also surprising that she would play that card, the "I need to connect to my ladies; I'm just like them" gambit. In my opinion, that's below Madonna. I swear, after the Second Lady of the Iron Brassiere, Hilary Clinton, broke down on the campaign trail, crying about the guilt over eating pizza and not being able to find time to take care of herself (I sound dismissive, but I really felt for her), that is the go-to approach for a strong lady looking to connect with a female audience. With Hilary Clinton, you root for her because, let's face it, she looks like someone has made some easy/poor diet choices, but with Madonna, not only does she look like she could break a mountain lion's neck with her thighs, but also she's rich enough that she can hire nannies for each of her kid's appendages. Perhaps I sound anti-Madonna, but really I'm anti-"I'm just like you!" because clearly a celebrity is delusional if they think they can earn seven figures above me and think they are still just like me (hear that, Gwyneth Paltrow?).

-At the end of "Gang Bang," Madonna says, "If you're going to act like a bitch, you're going to die like a bitch." That's not the damn line!

-The First Lady of the Iron Brassiere is Margaret Thatcher. These are designations I have made myself; there is no official First Lady of the Iron Brassiere society, though I would love to see their coat of arms. Madonna could be the Third Lady of the Iron Brassiere.

-I don't want to focus on Madonna's age, but listening to "Gimme All Your Love" ("L-U-V, Madonna!") I was struck how it sounds like a teeny bopper song. Teenage (or younger) singers often get criticized for singing tunes that are too mature for their age; can Madonna be cited for a song that is too immature for her age?

-EW has a small article about the self-referential bits of MDNA ("Some girls are like a virgin..."). Check it out. They may also talk about her videos (eg, how the mantyhose video resembles those for "Express Yourself" and "Vogue").

-There is a heavy cheerleader vibe on this album: "Gimme All Your Love," "Superstar," "Bday Song." How you feel about cheerleaders and their cheering may well affect how you like this album.

-Absolutemadonna.com says that Madonna is 5'4". Doesn't that seem impossible she's so small?

-Naughty girls, sexy time, sinning, Catholicism--done, done, done, and done. So, what's new on this album? Aside from mantyhose. And Nicki Minaj. "Love Spent" talks about how the singer wants her beloved to pay as much attention to her as he does his money (yes, I assume heterosexuality, just because there are a lot of pronouns in the sentence)--and features a banjo. "I Fucked Up" is a sincere musical apology--or not--which has the most Madonna-ness to it. That's about it, I think.

-"If you were the Mona Lisa, you'd be hanging in the Lourve." Somehow, I thought that analogy was going to go in a different direction.

-I think one of the key facets to consider when reviewing Madonna is danceability. That's what she's known for, musically, right? Despite the aggressive percussion and heavy electronic influence, I don't feel this album is particularly danceable (there are a couple tracks where I bob in my chair, but nothing I would classify as a dancefloor killer)--but it's ripe for a kickass remix album (as evidenced by the "Give Me All Your Love" remix at the end of this album).

-Why do we even call them 'albums' anymore?

-Ok, I was too busy to count every instance, but there are over 15 references to Madonna being a "girl."

-To pick up on an a couple earlier points, aside from danceability, what is the level of Madonna-ness on this album? What is Madonna trying to do with album? Is she successful? Do we buy this album because it is Madonna, or because it is awesome? Is this album the next step in her development as an artist? By the title, I figure the theme is something like the parts that make up Madonna, the building blocks of her as an artist. (Or maybe it was just supposed to be catchy.) So, in that sense, with the naughty girl, sexy time, etc. bits, and the self-references (even though that kind of meta, right--that Madonna is made up of bits of Madonna), it's true to the building blocks idea, but having so many blocks, as it were, doesn't leave that much for artist development.

Favorite tracks: I Fucked Up, Girl Gone Wild, I'm a Sinner.

Verdict: I might buy a couple, but no huge iTunes download. 2.85/5 stars

Addendum: An IM convo with Nick Carraway
Nick Carraway [2:50 PM]:　wow, kinda harsh　funny and true points thoMeredith Enos [2:50 PM]:　hm　i wanted to like it but i just didn't　i do love mantyhoseNick Carraway [2:50 PM]:　haha　that's the first time i've heard that term　it makes sense to me though because i am familiar with "moobs"Meredith Enos [2:51 PM]:　and murses?Nick Carraway [2:51 PM]:　it's a European Handbag dammit!Meredith Enos [2:52 PM]:　hee hee hee　i think i might need to write more on artist development. despite the fact that i love madonna, i don't like this album probably because she's had, like, 20 albums already.　shouldn't she have better rhymes? melodies? more mature subject matter?Nick Carraway [2:54 PM]:　agree about the subject matter　i heard an interview from the guy from megadeath　not that i really like that band　but anyway he was saying that it's much harder to create albums as your career goes on　because you have your whole previous life time and experience to create the first album, but the second one has to be cranked out in a much shorter time periodMeredith Enos [2:56 PM]:　hmm　i guess but madonna lives a rich and full life. you'd think she has a lot stuff to write songs aboutNick Carraway [2:57 PM]:　yeah, but has she really faced that much adversity recently　?　like u pointed out, she can't relate to everyday working moms Meredith Enos [2:57 PM]:　there isn't that much difference in this album than, say, miley cyrus or whoever　she did a film about malawiNick Carraway [2:57 PM]:　yeah, n george clooney got arrested in sudan　doesn't mean they're africanMeredith Enos [2:58 PM]:　she could write about world peace, being a strong woman in a man's world, aging, learning, etc.Nick Carraway [2:59 PM]:　or the mystical secrets of kabbalahMeredith Enos [2:59 PM]:　it makes me think about her 24 year old (or whatever) boyfriend: does she think she's getting this guy because she's a cougar, or because she's as appealing in the same way as a 24 year old? you know what i mean?　i would love a song about the kabbalahNick Carraway [3:01 PM]:　agreed.　i dont think she thinks shes a 24 year oldMeredith Enos [3:01 PM]:　but the music feels like something a 24 year old would make. Nick Carraway [3:02 PM]:　it could be her trying to keep up with the ke$ha's and katy perry's of the worldMeredith Enos [3:02 PM]:　so that's my point: is the appeal of madonna that she's just as appealing as a 24 year old, or because she's effin madonna　yep. sadNick Carraway [3:02 PM]:　or it could be her producer just pushing her into the radio popular soundMeredith Enos [3:02 PM]:　
　can't think too well; now i'm listening to the new nicki minaj and it's distracting me.　she repeats herself a lot　i think nicki ran out of lyricsNick Carraway  [3:04 PM]:　I want to hear itMeredith Enos [3:05 PM]:　there's that song on the radio where she just goes "IIIIIIIII" for 16 measures. Girl needs a vacation. Or a thesaurus.yep. also sad.

Ergonomics: A Quiz Featuring Sex Toys

So it all started with this:

It's a lip balm by EOS. My friend Walter said it looked like it was supposed to vibrate. I told him it was supposed to be ergonomic. He replied, "It would be more ergonomic if it vibrated."

I didn't think much of his comment until I came across an ad for this in a magazine:

Lotion, also by EOS, also with ergonomic design. Now, I don't think I have a particularly dirty mind, but just a few pages later in this magazine, I came across another ad, this one for this:

 

And yes, this one is a sex toy.

So, for funsies, I decided to do a little Googling on sex toys and ergonomic design, for points of convergence and divergence--and have compiled some images here for you, in quiz form. Now, I am not any kind of product rep, so should you find any of these products, um, inspiring, or you're like, "How does that even work?!" I have to tell you I don't know. It's like the three shells in Demolition Man. Anyway, answers at bottom.

1.

2.

3.

 

4.

 

5.

6.

 

7.

8.

9.

 

10.

 

11,

12,

13.

14.

15.

 

Answers:

1. Pen; 2. Sex toy; 3. Chair; 4. Sex toy; 5. Wii bowling apparatus; 6. Chair; 7. Sex toy; 8. Digital jump rope; 9. Baster; 10. Sex toy; 11. Kitchen implement; 12. Sex toy; 13. Garlic peeler; 14. Sex toy; 15. Garlic crusher

If you scored:

13-15: You are into kitchen implements, furniture, sex toys, or some combination thereof.

9-12: You generally see things as they are, but can get... imaginative, if the situation calls for it.

5-8: You're kind of boring. There, I said it.

4 or less: You need to get out more. Put some shoyu into your life! Or, you're twelve years old and shouldn't be taking these kinds of quizzes anyway.

Transcendent moments in otherwise mediocre movies, pt. 1

Note: I just spent the last three hours writing this post while herding my kids around, and then it published but was then somehow deleted. I'm pissed, and it might show through in my rewrite.

So, every week I borrow a crap movie or two from the library to watch whilst I fold laundry. The parameters are: must be good enough to keep me anaesthetized during the domestic drudgery, but bad enough that I can still multitask. This is not an introduction as much as an explanation as to why I watch so many crap movies. The title of the post pretty much explains where I'm coming from, I think.

Feel free to contribute/respond.


The Movie: Mamma Mia!
The Scene: Dancing Queen

Why It's Transcendent: In an earlier draft of this blog post, I had a rant about the unholy trifecta of Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, and Christine Baranski, and what they mean to a movie meant for middle aged women, but now that I was able to use "unholy trifecta" again, I will move on.

Anyway, this movie is about an engaged woman who wants her father to walk her down the aisle, and so contacts the three men who could be her father and asks them to come to the wedding, unbeknownst to her mother, played by the in this case flatteringly made up and borderline hyperactive Meryl Streep. And the hijinx that ensue. All set to the dulcet tones of Abba. But seriously, I love Abba.

I realize that "transcendent" is a rather big idea sort of word, but here goes. First, this scene is transcendent in the way of all musicals: that the characters' feelings are so strong, mere speech is not sufficient. Second, there is the very obvious part that the rest of the movie (especially the men's singing and the clunky transitioning to the musical numbers) is absurdly bad and this scene rises above it; and the third thing that makes this scene transdendent is that this scene is the most perfect illustration of "Dancing Queen." Anyone who has spent any amount of time partying with sorority girls or theatre people (read: me) knows that "Dancing Queen" holds a special place in the heart of collective Womanhood. Chicks love this song, and at a certain point (usually around "Night is young and the music's hiiiiiiigh") when the song is playing, they stop singing the song and start living it. There's a faraway look in the eyes, a reminiscent and secret smile as a woman becomes that girl: young, dead sexy, the night ahead of her glittering with possibility, and knowing it. In this scene, Meryl Streep's character is feeling old and tired, and her friends sing her this song. They walk through the town, and as the women of the town hear it, they join in. Eventually, it's a huge parade of village women of varying ages, shapes, and sizes, singing and dancing their hearts out, as if overtaken by the song, by their own memories and joy. The whole scene is a celebration of Womanhood, experience, and the idea that within every crone is a dancing girl--and not just a girl but a queen--just waiting for the right song to bring her out.


The Movie: Excess Baggage
The Scene: The Pre-Kiss Exchange

Why It's Transcendent: This movie in general and this scene--line, really--introduced me to the unbelievable sexiness that is Benecio del Toro.

He spends the whole movie getting beaten up by Alicia Silverstone, running away from bad guys, being emasculated, put down, shot at, getting blamed for stuff that he's too dumb to foist off on other people. He's really quite pathetic.

And yet. And yet. You are strangely drawn to his pale, stringy body, how he's clean shaven yet gives the impression of having a poorly filled in goatee, how his character always seems confused, the slow, measured way that he talks that makes you wonder if he is perhaps high and that is why he seems confused. Because that is the wonder of del Toro. Alicia and Benecio are next to each other, leaning in for a kiss, in classic rom com fashion where they paaaaaaause, heightening I believe it's called. Benecio mumbles/murmurs/growls/stutters, "Come on come on come on come on." And suddenly you want to tear his pants off. Transcendence! It's a meta moment: he knows that he can make his character as weasly and pathetic as he wants but because of the rom-com formula, he will get the girl anyway. Also, with that one line you know that the character has viewed the entire preceding emasculating, humiliating, and pathetic episode as merely foreplay (both overturning traditional ideas of attraction and masculinity and keeping his priorities straight), and by then, he is ready to "get 'er done," as they say.



And an opposite: The crap scene that ruined an otherwise awesome movie
The Movie: True Grit (remake)
The Scene: Post-snake Bite, Journeying Back to Civilization

Why It Ruined the Whole Damn Movie: Do you remember this part of the movie? (BTW, this is an uber spoiler, so stop reading if you haven't seen "True Grit," stop reading right now!) They have killed the bad guys, the girl fell in the hole and got bit by a rattlesnake, and Jeff Bridges has to take her back to civilization, or the closest approximation thereof. I hate hate hate this part of the movie, because: 1, I do not believe Jeff Bridges' character, title of the movie aside, could carry her for hours and hours. I get tired carting my little daughter around Costco, and I am not a dissolute middleaged gunslinger who also smokes cheroots and has recently been shot; 2, the girl suddenly became super ineffectual. Yes, yes, I know she has been bit by a snake but what was with the the little arm circles and the mewling cries? It was as if she suddenly reverted to infancy, and if it's supposed to be artsy it's failing failing failing to be; and 3, the up-the-nostril being carried perspective shot, with the wide Western sky and all its stars surrounding Jeff Bridges' head like a blessing or a halo--yes, it sounds poetic(ish) when I describe it, but in reality it looked CGI super cheezy and made me want to punch someone in the face.

Thoughts while listening to Lana Del Rey and Googling

Lana Del Rey recently dropped her album “Born to Die.” Do I want to buy this album? The only way for me to know for sure is to listen to every song she has on Grooveshark and read Internet gossip; it’s a system that works for me.

Some thoughts:

It used to be “Ray” but now it’s “Rey” so don’t feel dumb if you misspell in your Google search. It also used to be Lizzie Grant, which does indeed sound like a Disney tween hero.

This music is for girls who like “The Virgin Suicides”—movie version. Point one to me: Tavi Gevinson, stylerookie blogger and rookiemag editor (and highschool sophomore) digs both.

She has a pretty good vocal range. The lower register songs are more interesting but at the same time not as dynamic. There seem to be only three low-voice songs.

Her SNL performance did, indeed, suck. But most of them do. Kanye West, anyone?

On “Gramma,” she sings, “Gramma, I want the whole world to want me; is that wrong?” or something to that effect. Which is a pretty accurate response to a lot of “is she real or is she manufactured?” argument going on on the internetts.

She is not a “gangsta Nancy Sinatra.” Further, people who describe themselves as “gangsta Nancy Sinatra”s are really saying: I want to rebel against my father, like how Nancy wanted to rebel against Frank; I also want to align myself with ol’ Blue Eyes and the Rat Pack, if only by a loose, Kevin-Bacon-y association; I’m super white, if the baddest bad girl I can think of is Nancy Sinatra; I love a good, hipster-riffic sound bite; I don’t really know any gangsters if I refer to myself as one; I don’t really have any good friends, because a good friend will tell you to not refer to yourself (except for in the most ironic way) as an anything “gangsta.”

There is nothing remotely “gangsta” about this music.

She is also not “Nikki Minaj in the body of Lana Turner.” I mean, please.

This music is for girls who like Mazzy Star and Tricky, if they’ve even heard of those guys, but think those artists are too old, urban, or European.

“Sneaking out looking for a taste of real life.”—one of the opening lyrics for “This is What Makes Us Girls.” Again with the whole “Virgin Suicides” thing.

The whole late teens, early twenties wild nihilism of the suburban young lady. Who can have a drinking problem while attending private high school. Who might really be experiencing something, or might just be trying on an identity. Where you can feel world weary about shit that’s gone down (“My friend almost OD’d at a party, yo, right in front of my eyes! We had to leave him at the front of the ER so Bryan’s parents wouldn’t find out he was having a party”), while, you know, in other parts of the world people don’t have access to water.

These songs seem lonely. None of this “me and my girls” stuff; it’s all dark-eyed lonely girls wearing sundresses, trying to find love and meaning and connection with some jackass loser.

Sex. Getting high. Drinking. Playing video games. Filler things people in these songs do. No mention of apps or FB, though. Strange.

Overall, the best part of these songs is their lyrics, and the melodies are kind of nice and sinuous. However, her subject matter is somewhat slight (“Video Games” is about a girl who loves a boy who wants to drink beer and play video games)—at least to me, perhaps because I’m a decade older than her and I’ve seen real shit go down. Kidding. I think these songs speak to a certain generation—the post-post-suburbanites, the post-post-feminists. Is what she describes in her songs any different than what happens in, say, an episode of “Jersey Shore”? It’s just slanted for the indie crowd.

It seems like Lana Del Rey is a constructed identity of a woman/girl who wanted a certain look and musicality, and aggressively pursued both those things and fame. I don’t know why hipsters are getting mad for; except for the fame part, isn’t that they were doing when they bought $350 skinny jeans, Goodwill sweaters, and grew all that godawful facial hair? Nobody came from the womb citing Sartre while drinking organic coffee and toting a McSweeney’s—though that would make a nice skit on “Portlandia.”

Sadly, Lana Del Rey does not make the jump from Grooveshark sample to iTunes playlist.

Best tracks: Born to Die, Diet Mtn Dew, Hey Lolita Hey, This is What Makes Us Girls, Video Games (only because I was once this girl and I feel her pain. So bad.)

Final score: 2.5/5.

Ps. Additionally, I learned the word “sadcore.”