Ergonomics: A Quiz Featuring Sex Toys

So it all started with this:

It's a lip balm by EOS. My friend Walter said it looked like it was supposed to vibrate. I told him it was supposed to be ergonomic. He replied, "It would be more ergonomic if it vibrated."

I didn't think much of his comment until I came across an ad for this in a magazine:

Lotion, also by EOS, also with ergonomic design. Now, I don't think I have a particularly dirty mind, but just a few pages later in this magazine, I came across another ad, this one for this:

 

And yes, this one is a sex toy.

So, for funsies, I decided to do a little Googling on sex toys and ergonomic design, for points of convergence and divergence--and have compiled some images here for you, in quiz form. Now, I am not any kind of product rep, so should you find any of these products, um, inspiring, or you're like, "How does that even work?!" I have to tell you I don't know. It's like the three shells in Demolition Man. Anyway, answers at bottom.

1.

2.

3.

 

4.

 

5.

6.

 

7.

8.

9.

 

10.

 

11,

12,

13.

14.

15.

 

Answers:

1. Pen; 2. Sex toy; 3. Chair; 4. Sex toy; 5. Wii bowling apparatus; 6. Chair; 7. Sex toy; 8. Digital jump rope; 9. Baster; 10. Sex toy; 11. Kitchen implement; 12. Sex toy; 13. Garlic peeler; 14. Sex toy; 15. Garlic crusher

If you scored:

13-15: You are into kitchen implements, furniture, sex toys, or some combination thereof.

9-12: You generally see things as they are, but can get... imaginative, if the situation calls for it.

5-8: You're kind of boring. There, I said it.

4 or less: You need to get out more. Put some shoyu into your life! Or, you're twelve years old and shouldn't be taking these kinds of quizzes anyway.

Transcendent moments in otherwise mediocre movies, pt. 1

Note: I just spent the last three hours writing this post while herding my kids around, and then it published but was then somehow deleted. I'm pissed, and it might show through in my rewrite.

So, every week I borrow a crap movie or two from the library to watch whilst I fold laundry. The parameters are: must be good enough to keep me anaesthetized during the domestic drudgery, but bad enough that I can still multitask. This is not an introduction as much as an explanation as to why I watch so many crap movies. The title of the post pretty much explains where I'm coming from, I think.

Feel free to contribute/respond.


The Movie: Mamma Mia!
The Scene: Dancing Queen

Why It's Transcendent: In an earlier draft of this blog post, I had a rant about the unholy trifecta of Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, and Christine Baranski, and what they mean to a movie meant for middle aged women, but now that I was able to use "unholy trifecta" again, I will move on.

Anyway, this movie is about an engaged woman who wants her father to walk her down the aisle, and so contacts the three men who could be her father and asks them to come to the wedding, unbeknownst to her mother, played by the in this case flatteringly made up and borderline hyperactive Meryl Streep. And the hijinx that ensue. All set to the dulcet tones of Abba. But seriously, I love Abba.

I realize that "transcendent" is a rather big idea sort of word, but here goes. First, this scene is transcendent in the way of all musicals: that the characters' feelings are so strong, mere speech is not sufficient. Second, there is the very obvious part that the rest of the movie (especially the men's singing and the clunky transitioning to the musical numbers) is absurdly bad and this scene rises above it; and the third thing that makes this scene transdendent is that this scene is the most perfect illustration of "Dancing Queen." Anyone who has spent any amount of time partying with sorority girls or theatre people (read: me) knows that "Dancing Queen" holds a special place in the heart of collective Womanhood. Chicks love this song, and at a certain point (usually around "Night is young and the music's hiiiiiiigh") when the song is playing, they stop singing the song and start living it. There's a faraway look in the eyes, a reminiscent and secret smile as a woman becomes that girl: young, dead sexy, the night ahead of her glittering with possibility, and knowing it. In this scene, Meryl Streep's character is feeling old and tired, and her friends sing her this song. They walk through the town, and as the women of the town hear it, they join in. Eventually, it's a huge parade of village women of varying ages, shapes, and sizes, singing and dancing their hearts out, as if overtaken by the song, by their own memories and joy. The whole scene is a celebration of Womanhood, experience, and the idea that within every crone is a dancing girl--and not just a girl but a queen--just waiting for the right song to bring her out.


The Movie: Excess Baggage
The Scene: The Pre-Kiss Exchange

Why It's Transcendent: This movie in general and this scene--line, really--introduced me to the unbelievable sexiness that is Benecio del Toro.

He spends the whole movie getting beaten up by Alicia Silverstone, running away from bad guys, being emasculated, put down, shot at, getting blamed for stuff that he's too dumb to foist off on other people. He's really quite pathetic.

And yet. And yet. You are strangely drawn to his pale, stringy body, how he's clean shaven yet gives the impression of having a poorly filled in goatee, how his character always seems confused, the slow, measured way that he talks that makes you wonder if he is perhaps high and that is why he seems confused. Because that is the wonder of del Toro. Alicia and Benecio are next to each other, leaning in for a kiss, in classic rom com fashion where they paaaaaaause, heightening I believe it's called. Benecio mumbles/murmurs/growls/stutters, "Come on come on come on come on." And suddenly you want to tear his pants off. Transcendence! It's a meta moment: he knows that he can make his character as weasly and pathetic as he wants but because of the rom-com formula, he will get the girl anyway. Also, with that one line you know that the character has viewed the entire preceding emasculating, humiliating, and pathetic episode as merely foreplay (both overturning traditional ideas of attraction and masculinity and keeping his priorities straight), and by then, he is ready to "get 'er done," as they say.



And an opposite: The crap scene that ruined an otherwise awesome movie
The Movie: True Grit (remake)
The Scene: Post-snake Bite, Journeying Back to Civilization

Why It Ruined the Whole Damn Movie: Do you remember this part of the movie? (BTW, this is an uber spoiler, so stop reading if you haven't seen "True Grit," stop reading right now!) They have killed the bad guys, the girl fell in the hole and got bit by a rattlesnake, and Jeff Bridges has to take her back to civilization, or the closest approximation thereof. I hate hate hate this part of the movie, because: 1, I do not believe Jeff Bridges' character, title of the movie aside, could carry her for hours and hours. I get tired carting my little daughter around Costco, and I am not a dissolute middleaged gunslinger who also smokes cheroots and has recently been shot; 2, the girl suddenly became super ineffectual. Yes, yes, I know she has been bit by a snake but what was with the the little arm circles and the mewling cries? It was as if she suddenly reverted to infancy, and if it's supposed to be artsy it's failing failing failing to be; and 3, the up-the-nostril being carried perspective shot, with the wide Western sky and all its stars surrounding Jeff Bridges' head like a blessing or a halo--yes, it sounds poetic(ish) when I describe it, but in reality it looked CGI super cheezy and made me want to punch someone in the face.

Beautiful network of utility: friends

Somebody told once that if I wanted to make lots of friends, I could just buy a truck. It might have been my brothers-in-law, because they all have friends and trucks, and also like to throw out little tidbits like that.

I was thinking about that the other day: the usefulness of friends. So, I made a list, which is of course a completely logical thing to do. At this point, I feel compelled to say two things:

1.    This blog is not small-children-with-big-eyes cutesy, so although I fully acknowledge that a friend “who knows where all the bodies are buried” and a friend “who loves you even at your worst” (yeah, I work in an office and have received that particular email a time or twelve) are both really nifty, I want to talk about utility, not about feelings of joy like a wriggling basket of puppies.

2.    And when I talk about utility, I don’t mean it in a cut-throat way. I’m not going to drop or make friends just because they have certain things. But you can’t possibly know, have, or learn everything, so it’s nice to have friends who do.

All right, caveats aside, here is my list of The Friends Everyone Needs

-A friend with a truck.

-A friend with power tools.

-A friend who can fix your computer or tell you when it can’t be fixed.

-A friend who can help you shop for a car.

-A friend who makes really excellent desserts.

-A friend—who may or may not be a medical professional—who knows if something looks infected, if those sound like symptoms or just a result of eating pizza four days straight, and who doesn’t mind helping you with lancing, bandaging, icing, or driving to the hospital.

-A friend who can find you on the freeway with a spare and a jug (that’s the wrong word: bottle? Tank? Nozzly thing?) of gas. In the night in the rain.

-A friend who knows about cars.

-A friend who will cook for you when you are sick or hungover.

-A friend who still has whatever bad habit(s) you quit and will indulge you with it/them when you hang out.

-A friend who will float you a twenty when you forgot to go to the ATM… and never bug you to pay him back.

-A friend with an AAA membership.

-A friend who brings good booze to the bbq or dinner party.

-A friend who can offer free legal advice.

-A friend who can explain technical things.

-A friend who will help you look for a job.

-A friend who has a house with a pool or lives by the beach.

-A friend who enjoys planning parties.

-A friend who’s handy.

-A friend who will make phone calls for you.

-A friend who likes gardening.

-A friend with actual grown up, nice possessions who acts like a mature adult.

-A friend who has good taste in books and music.

-A friend who can grill and has a nice bbq.

-A friend who will forward really great YouTube clips and silly websites.

-A friend who loves to babysit.

-A friend with all the latest tech toys.

-A friend who is DIY crafty. Not shifty crafty.

-A friend who knows all the slang and pop culture references.

-A friend who gives a good massage.

-A friend who knows what’s going on Friday night and will make an effort to get your ass out of the house.

-A friend who will research something for you, or proofread something for you.

Got any you want to add?