Interwebbing: Thoughts on P*rn

In an ideal world, pornography as an industry wouldn’t exist, or would exist as a tool to facilitate healthy relationships and attitudes towards sex, especially for women and kink groups. It would help people understand the varying ways pleasure can be found and love can be expressed. This is, of course, a long way from the ideal world. And even if this kind of sex work wasn’t exploitive, there are tropes within it that are damaging to how men and women view and treat each other.

If you believe any of the following tropes, you watch too much porn:

• Consent is optional, and these videos are from real life.
• Commentary: In my opinion, made of silly notions and some articles I read, the run-of-the-mill porn you find on the internet is put out by legal, adult professionals and enthusiastic hobbyists. They know they’re being filmed, no matter if it’s voyeuristic , looks rapey or rough or degrading, or seems to involve a minor—they are pretending. They may even have signed a contract on what they will agree to do. And although the sex part is real, the staging part is fantasy. Most of the porn I have seen has average to exceedingly poor acting, so I feel you would know if someone was really being abused—so, should you suspect you are watching an actual crime take place, please report it.
• Whenever two or more gay men, or two or more gay or straight women hang out, every situation quickly turns into a sexual encounter.
• Commentary: It’s more likely to turn into a Pinterest party.
• Body hair is bad.
• Commentary: This has been, um, uncovered before. Hair is distracting to film (gets in your teeth and whatnot), and you can’t see all the privatey parts.
• Those women are related. Muslim women have to have sex with their headscarves on. For an Asian woman, all penises are SOOOO huge and scary. Gay men have no gag reflex.
• Do I even have to comment on this?
• Any time two people are having sex, more naked people may show up and jump in. No one should be surprised.
• Commentary: I believe that the differences between group sex and gang rape are consent and planning. This is not something you should surprise someone with.
• All kinks are interchangeable. The fact that the woman in the BDSM clip was also in the foot fetish one tells you so.
• Commentary: Never mind she probably gets paid per video.
• Everything will fit everywhere. At any time.
• Commentary: People's orifices aren't portals to alternate dimensions. Neither are they baseball gloves, which get stronger and more comfortable when you beat them up bunch. For all those men out there who think you can just start jackhammering away at your partner the minute you're aroused: Finesse (and foreplay and lubrication and respecting the limits of people's physiology) is the name of the game.
• Women should expect to be cum upon during sex.
• Commentary: This is another one that has to do with staging. Male ejaculation is traditionally/reproductively an internal process, but viewers obviously can’t see that. The face cumming part is just an added misogynistic twist.
• Existence=normality=probability.
• Commentary: I think that porn has done a lot to show folks what is possible in a sexual relationship, and has even normalized stuff like anal sex. However, “possible” and “probable” are two different beasts. Just because you watch a video or even a series of videos where a certain act is performed, it doesn’t mean it’s a given that your current or next partner(s) will automatically do or enjoy that act.
• Everything always feels oh, so good. Or oh, so bad. (Depending on your flavor.)
• Commentary: Once again, it’s a fantasy created by paid professionals. The women are paid to act as if everything they do and have done to them excites them terribly, and while, because of physiology, men are not generally known to be able to fake interest, there are little blue pills that can turn on/up even the most reluctant performer.

I had wanted to comment on the manicures on the women, but didn't know how to phrase it. Do you have any you’d like to add?

Vicarious: Things that rub you the right way

You know what the Internet is good at? Finding stuff that is really satisfying. Here's a list that will make your brain go, "Ahhhh."

You're welcome.

Satisfying things:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/floperry/satisvining?utm_term=.etz5mwA5e#.msGyW4myL

Things fitting perfectly together:

http://thingsfittingperfectlyintothings.tumblr.com/

Animals fitting into small spaces:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/22/if-it-fits-i-sits-supercut_n_3790622.html

Grammarian correcting graffiti:

http://www.fastcoexist.com/1681661/ur-mom-correcting-the-grammar-of-graffitti

The Japanese, cooking tiny food on tiny implements:

http://internet.gawker.com/i-cant-stop-watching-these-miniature-japanese-food-cook-1686332846

Dr. Pimple Popper:

https://www.youtube.com/user/DrSandraLee

Vicarious: Sh*t I will Never Do

I used to be adventurous, but now I look back on those days and shudder at my idiocy, whilst marvelling how many times I didn't die.

Now that I have kids, I have to pass on some of my guardian angels to my kids, and just say NO to a bunch of adventures that 10 years ago would have sent me going, "Oooh, pick me, pick me!" like a contestant on The Price is Right, such as:

-Glass encased slide on the side of a sky scraper

http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/25/travel/skyslide-skyspace-la-opens/

-Glass bridge in China

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/12127279/The-glass-bottomed-bridge-across-the-Zhangjiajie-Canyon-in-China-in-pictures.html?frame=3561273

-Sleeping while rock climbing

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat/8541224/Extreme-camping-and-rock-climbing-photographs-by-Gordon-Wiltsie.html

-Underwater hotel

http://www.planetoceanunderwaterhotel.com/

-Dumb and crazy hiking http://expertvagabond.com/caminito-del-rey/

Vicarious: Sh*t I will Never (ever, ever) Watch

I hate horror movies. At the same time, I have a morbid (pun intended) fascination for them. It comes from watching scary movies and reading Stephen King books at too, too young an age (and anyone who tells you those things don't make a difference hasn't lived in my head for the past 30+ years).

So, my strategy is this: I will hear of a movie, or see a preview, and then YouTube, IMDb, Google Image, and Wikipedia the stuffing out of it. In this way, I can understand the movie, while at the same time maintaining the necessary buffer that will enable me to sleep at night, go to the bathroom alone, drive, or any other activity than sit in my house, with my back to the wall and all doors nailed shut, staring at the front door with an axe in hand. And you think I'm kidding.

By the way, if you ever make a horror movie, be sure that the main characters' names are not too similar to each other, because the Wikipedia entries can become very confusing. Also, if you are a Wikipedia contributor, proof read your entries! People's imaginations are at risk here!

Here are the top five things I will look up but never watch:

-Korean horror films (Tale of Two Sisters, Whispering Corridors, Three Extremes)

-French New Wave Horror films: (http://wegotthiscovered.com/movies/utterly-traumatizing-lesser-french-horror-films-time-halloween/)

-Human Centipede series, which then led to Scandinavian horror films (http://www.theblood-shed.com/top-12-scandinavian-horror-movies/)

-120 Days of Sodom

-You’re Next

I'm sorry, and also, you're welcome.

Imprecision Cooking: Can't take credit for these

Ever go to a restaurant, and eating something so delicious that you become obsessed with it and cyber stalk it until you find the perfect recipe for it? Yeah, me too!

Here are my five favorite table-to-computer recipes:

1. Restaurant: Kit n Kitchen; food: chimichurri sauce

Recipe I love: http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/chimichurri/ 

My husband will put chimichurri on anything.

2. Restaurant: Scratch; food: shakshuka

Recipe I love: http://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1014721-shakshuka-with-feta

My kids love shakshuka so much, my daughter wanted it for her birthday party.

3. Restaurant: My old boss; food: Irish cottage bread

Recipe I love: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/16947/amazingly-easy-irish-soda-bread/

This is the plain kind. It's supposed to be more authentic. I like to make it as a part of a ploughman's lunch. Makes me feel like we are on vacation.

4. Restaurant: None. I've never had this dish until I made it from this recipe (the photos sold me); food: bolognese

Recipe I love: http://userealbutter.com/2013/03/11/bolognese-sauce-recipe/

A note: I don't really think you need 8 hours to make this. Three is still awesome, and even 1.5 will work.

5. Restaurant: Sol's cousin's girlfriend; food: mole

It's really a crazy recipe, but here's a manageable one: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/chicken-mole-with-chipotles-105994

Imprecision Cooking: Frosting

I hate most store frosting. Also, I can only take from-scratch cooking so far. See the chocolate heart on the cupcake above? I bought a huge block of fancy baking chocolate, thinking that I'd temper it and make hearts, easy-peasy. I ended up making a huge mess and wasting 3/4 of this block (into my face!), with chocolate decorations that still melted. I asked my best friend, who is a home economics pro, and she said, "Just mix the fake chocolate melting wafers into real chocolate. It's impossible to temper chocolate."

So there. Only five hours down the drain.

I also hate baking. It usually takes too much precision.

My daughter recently turned one, so to pretend I know what I'm doing, I bought unfrosted cupcakes and a small cake from Sam's Club, and then decorated them myself. Came out pretty good, I think:

But, as everyone knows, a cupcake is only the vehicle for frosting, so a good frosting is key. Here is the best best best frosting:

-Whipped cream, 1 1/2 cups (if you have a really good blender, you can use half and half, or even regular milk--just wrap a blue cooler pack around the cup part when you do this)

-Instant pistachio pudding, 2-3 Tablespoons (some sites say to use the whole packet; resist!)

-Almond or vanilla extract, 1/4 teaspoon

-Green food coloring, couple drops

Pour it all in the blender. Blend! In about 45 seconds, you have awesome frosting that is light, delicious in a sophisticated way, and holds its shape even when it's warm.

You want the pink kind?:

-Whipped cream, 1 1/2 cups

-Instant strawberry jello, 2-3 Tablespoons 

-Red food coloring, couple drops

-Niceties, in this case being orange extract or some other unexpected extract

Pour it all in the blender cup, stir, and let it sit in the fridge for a few minutes to dissolve. Then, blend! This will take a little longer (I don't know why), and is more look and smell than taste, but still quite light.

Imprecision Cooking: Lu'au Leaf

So this is an uniquely Hawai’i problem: we are having a bumper crop of kalo. We (that is, Sol, with me hovering in a completely useful and unannoying way) had moved some stuff around in our garden, and made some raised beds. I planted seeds (basil, tomato, lettuces, green onions, cilantro, eggplant), fertilized with Pro-Em (which is amazeballs, by the way), and in just a few weeks, we had… kalo?!

In my loud but completely unscientific opinion, the kalo bits had gone into hibernation and we awoke them by tilling the soil. There’s kalo everywhere, even in the compost heap!

Most folks know kalo for using the corm for poi and the lu’au leaf for laulau. This kalo, since it’s grown in the garden, have small corm and huge leaves, so no poi for us. And we don’t have an imu handy, so no old-school laulau.

But we make do. Here are three ways to cook lu’au leaf, that don’t require an imu:

1.       Stew lu’au

This is a favorite of my in-laws and about as easy as it gets.

Ingredients

-Meat, 2-4 lbs. Sol likes pork. I like beef. He’s doing the buying and cooking, so pork it is.

-Lu’au leaf, a bunch as big as two or three cats. I said it was imprecise! It will cook down.

Here’s the key: cut up the leaves small, like the sized of your phone, or smaller. Not only will they cook faster, they will fit on your spoon. Lu’au is already a food that non-ethnic people find intimidating and gross; having pieces twice as long as your utensil is like a caricature.

Ok, so cube your meat, fry up in a big pot. Add lu’au leaf. Add water so that the meat is covered. Add salt to taste. Hang out for a while so everything cooks down. Eat!

2.      Slow cooker special

Ingredients

-Ti leaves, 8-10. You might want to take the midribs out.

-Lu’au leaves, 10-15. You can cut them up if you want.

-Meat, a pound or so. Or fish. Or not. I don’t like having meat all the time.

-Coconut milk, two cans. Or one can if you're scurrred.

-Sweet potato, cubed.

-Garlic, to taste. I use about 15 cloves, because I’m a garlic head.

-Salt, at least a tablespoon. I undersalt stuff.

-Niceties, to taste, if you like. Some niceties include: cumin, chili, cilantro, chopped onion.

First, the ti leaves line everything. You could just put everything in one of those plastic, slow cooker bags, but I freak out about plastic, so I’m going with leaves where I can. Make a layer of lu’au, then one layer of meat rubbed in salt and a splash of coconut milk, another layer lu’au. Then chop up your lu’au stems really fine, and make a layer of coconut milk, salt, garlic, sweet potato, and stems. Then, another layer of lu’au, then the meat layer, then lu’au, then garlic layer, and so on. When you reach the top, put a layer of ti leaves, throw that baby on high, and walk away! Set it, and forget it! He he he. Cook maybe 6 hours, but who is gone from home at work only 6 hours? No one. Eight hours is fine.

3.      Just add to stew

Ingredients

-Lu’au leaves, a bunch the size of a cat.

-Beef stew. Or whatever stew you like.

Chop up your lu’au leaves (see directions above). Parboil them while you are prepping your stew ingredients, then drain. Start making your stew. After meat, add lu’au leaves, then make the rest of the stew like normal. That’s it.

And don’t forget to test your food, to see if it makes your throat itchy. If it does, just let yourself get lost in looking up stuff on YouTube, and when you’re done, it will be ready.

Imprecision Cooking: Cookies

When I first started blogging, there was just starting to be a blogging industry. Mostly, folks would post ads from different companies, or try a product sent to them for free. It was still, largely, just for hobbying folks who liked to write and share stuff. And then, everyone started specializing and monetizing: fan fiction sites (you can thank those for Fifty Shades of Grey), homesteading (you can learn about chicken inoculation, combating candida, AND aquaponics in one site!) and, most insidious of all, the lifestyle blog. Through good lighting, macro shots, and shabby chic-style props and templates, these lifestyle blogs made us alternately inspired and depressed by these women’s gluten-free, vegetarian, made-from-scratch lifestyles. Ugh. Like I don’t have enough inadequacy in my life.

Not to knock anybody, because I’ve definitely visited and deployed many a organizational strategy and recipe, but it’s definitely an industry now. Each of these women are selling their own brand of perfection, hoping to be the next Pioneer Woman or Oh, She Glows green monster movement founder (c’mon guys, it’s just a damn smoothie!). Each blog post is lovingly crafted to give you, J. Peterman-style, a narrative about why this smoothie/baked good/pasta sauce/craft came into being, often involving a cutesy story about their kid or significant other. Puke. Perhaps this critique says more about me than them. Hmm.

One day, after working myself into a lather visiting site after site researching the Perfect Cookie, what I realized is what those stories are actually telling me: cookies are comfort and love that you can give to people. When someone gives you a cookie, you say and think, “Thanks.” Precise measurements are not needed for this interaction, and neither are fancy ingredients. Plus, if you’ve been to my house, you know that we’re usually missing half the ingredients, making any attempt at precision moot.

So, I’m breaking down my favorite—shall we say “rustic”—cookie recipe, for when you have more love than raw ingredients.

Ingredients:

-2 cups, chocolate. You can do chips (we buy in bulk), nibs, chopped up chunks. If you want, you can substitute with raisins or fruit. I hope you don’t want.

-3 cups, oatmeal. I use oatmeal because I like my cookies like I like my thighs: thick, but healthy. I don’t make a distinction of quick or steal cut. If you think they are too hard, you can always soften them up in a tiny (like ½ cup) bit of milk, simmered on the stove for a few minutes.

-1/2 to 1 cup, flour. I usually just grind up the oatmeal. It’s just easier, and then I can feel superior about gluten-free cookies. I like a chunky cookie, so to me the flour just helps things stick together, and smoothes out the rough edges—civilizes the cookie, so to speak.

-1/2 teaspoon, baking soda or baking powder. There’s some kind of science going on here. Just one of them is fine.

-Binder. This can be: 1 egg, 1 mashed banana, some soaked chia seeds. If you cooked your oatmeal on the stove, you don’t need a binder.

-1 ½ cups, nuts. I like walnuts or pecans. Peanuts are ok. Almonds can be hard to chew, unless they’re slivered or sliced. I like when there is more chocolate than nuts.

-1/2 cup, melted butter or coconut oil. Anything but sesame or olive oil. I don’t like them too wet, but if you do, you can add more.

-1/4 to ½ cup, sweetness. Sugar, honey, maple syrup. I don’t know about the fancy stuff: stevia, agave. If you are using fancy natural sweetener, then this recipe is too easy for you.

-1/2 to 1 teaspoon, niceties. These include: cinnamon, chili, vanilla extract, almond extract—those little, personal touches that your family friends note and remember, ala, “Oh, Clarissa—she used to make these great cookies, with just a hint of curry.” Or whatever.

-pinch of salt

Dry ingredients in a bowl and stir.

Wet ingredients and stir. Toppings and stir. Oven at 375F. Bake 10-15 minutes, depending on your oven’s temperament. You can make 36 small cookies, 20 decent cookies, or two pans that you can cut into bars. Or eat whole. I’m not here to judge.

40x40 Adventure 2 completed: Combining Complete a declutter project AND Organize the house

As a teenager I had to catch the bus and walk just about everywhere, so I didn't want to carry too much around. A couple years later, I went to college two plane rides from home, and had to pack up my whole life just about every semester. I got into the habit of traveling light, and hopefully living light: ideally, all the things I loved I could mostly fit into my backpack and/or my car. My board. Music. Writing stuff. Clothes. A water bottle.

And then I got married, and the stuff piled up.

My husband doesn’t throw away things, and comes from the “might be useful someday” school of thought. In addition, he is a mixed-media artist, so every damn cardboard box, magazine, piece of plastic, empty model paint container, and bit of styrofoam has potential utility. I find it slovenly and depressing to have so much crap around--some of it years old--but as long as he kept it in his own area, I didn’t mind so much.

And then I had kids who use him as their example, and it became like living in a landfill.

Usually, I just clean up one smallish area a couple times a month, but I decided to really get after the clutter this time, which is why two of my 40x40 list items ended up getting crossed off. Or maybe just combined, so I have an additional item I can accomplish--I haven’t decided yet.

I used this 40 Bags In 40 Days blog post as inspiration:

http://www.whitehouseblackshutters.com/40-bags-in-40-days-2015/

But as you can see, it asks that you do a bunch of planning, and really if I were that organized, my house wouldn’t be cluttered in the first place. I used her idea of doing the entire project over Lent, and I also liked figuring out places to put the clutter, other than the trash.

Here’s how my forty days broke down:

• Bags of rubbish I threw away: 20
• Bags of goods for recycling: 3
• Bags of stuff donated or handed down: 14
• Bags of stuff repurposed: 2
• Bags of stuff used (you know, canned goods, craft stuff, projects finally completed): 3
• Bags of junk my husband threw away from his garage workshop: 3 (I noted this because it is a big deal for him)

Total: 45 bags!

While I was chucking stuff, I realized that: 1, I had a lot more space in some places, so I could put more stuff on shelves, or put similar items together, whereas before they had to go in separate areas; and 2, it wouldn’t be that much more effort to just organize a bit. So that’s how I ended up organizing the following:

• All the closets (sheets, towels, blankets, and clothes)
• The kitchen cupboards (including the small appliances that I will never use [sorry, wedding-gift ice cream maker], reusable plastic containers of varying sizes with and without matching covers, paper goods [I’m embarrassed to say I had about four different stashes of paper goods in random places in my house], and canned goods)
• The medicine cabinet (why did we keep five empty bottles of kids’ medicine?)
• The book shelves (including our books, Sol’s collection of figurine-making magazines, the kids’ books [and I finally got rid of the half-eaten baby board books], and the kids’ collected school work)
• My craft junk
• Our paperwork (ok, so it may not be completely organized, but it is neatly packed away)

I also made the kids get rid of a bunch of stuff once school ended. I mean, they may have put a lot of work into it, but I don’t want to keep all their worksheets and spelling workbooks. Does this make me a bad mother?

Overall, I would say our house is about 20% emptier than it was before. I think we just get in a rut, keeping stuff out of a false sense of sentimentality (like spelling books) or guilt (I know my husband will feel guilty about throwing away things, as if the trash collectors are looking at our bags of trash and passing judgment on us), or even habit (such as all the plastic bags I tell myself I will use eventually, or the plastic containers who have no mate).

Would I do it again: Eventually, I’d like to get rid of about 30% of what we have left, but that will probably have to happen in 3-5% increments over the next year or two. And then there comes maintenance--the whole thing reminds me a lot of weight loss. But, sure! I’ll keep going.

Status: Success!

40x40 Adventure 1 completed: Family participates in a community race or run/walk

The first thing you should know about this whole 40x40 adventure is that I’m starting this endeavor whilst pregnant with my fourth child. Further, I have progressed in my pregnancy past the “glowing, hip-swinging earth mother/goddess” stage and am well into “grouchy and in pain” phase of the game, which I understand that many women never reach, and also those that do get to this, uh, elevated state of pregnancy don’t usually enter it under their third trimester. I’ve been existing--nay, marinating--in this state since about 20 weeks, when I started having to do all the irritating older-preggo tests and simultaneously my hips and pelvic bones started to be angry with me.

And so.

I don’t want to complain (though I’ve been told I’m quite a complainer, though I prefer the term “critically observant”), especially about myself, but I should have picked less physically demanding endeavors for this damn list. I’ve already been working on the 5 million steps thing, but because of the aforementioned hip and pelvic pain, I had slowed waaaaay down on that--from 8k steps/day, to about (on a good day) 5k steps. At about the time my “I’m a waddling mess who can barely move” pity party had set up tables, refreshments, and chosen a caterer (Ben and Jerry’s, natch), my friend Ke’opu posted about putting together a team to do a community walk to raise funds for diabetes awareness, prevention, and treatment. Her late father, whom I had known from work, had had diabetes, and she was walking to honor him. She had done the team organization and all the research; all I had to do is register my family, donate a voluntary amount, and show up with my family.

So I shut my whiny trap and did it, and it was fun, despite my waddling. Of course it was. And mahalo to Ke'opu for the inspiration, motivation, and opportunity!

What I learned:

-Show up early. It’s a good thing it was a walk and not a race, because we couldn’t find parking and so were 20 minutes late and were literally the last people to start.

-You just have to be ahead of the volunteers who are cleaning up in order to still be considered part of the walk.

-It’s nice to walk around Kapi’olani Park on a clear, Saturday morning. Sometimes I forget stuff like that, because Waikiki is starting to be a development wasteland.

-First place and last place both get swag. Last place gets more swag than first because the race organizers don’t have to worry about running out.

-There are lots of different ways to engage with causes and communities, and it’s important to show my family as many as possible.

Would I do it again: Sure!

Status: Success!

40 by 40--one thing i'm doing: declutter challenge!

So I saw on the FBs a declutter challenge:
40 bags in 40 days

And since I've been looking for a declutter challenge, and can count to 40, I decided to pick this one.

I've added a couple categories: toss, donate, recycle, and use. The weirdest one may be use, but here's my thoughts on that: I have a bunch of half-used stuff. Half a bottle of conditioner. Three mostly used ketchups. A face mask sample. A bag full of bath bombs.

Why do I keep these things? If there is a zombie apocolypse, the last thing I'm going to care about is leave-in conditioner. But I don't want to waste it. And the prissy side of me wants to see if it will, indeed, make my hair as lustrous and shiny as it claims. So why wait?

Photos to come. Actually, prolly it will be too, too embarrassing.

40 x 40, domestic edition

On August 19, 2016, I will turn 40. All in all, it's been a pretty good ride. I've had a lot of adventures already, and already live in a wonderful place, so a lot of stuff I've read on other blogs (eg, try sushi, go surfing, bake a cake [for pete's sake!]), I've already done. But in creating this list, I do have a couple limitations--well, three to four of them. Having little children means I had to keep these to-dos kind of close to home, can't spend a ton of money, and have to keep the time commitment manageable (so, a four-week ski and spa trip in Switzerland is a no-go, as is the summer writers' retreat at Neropa).

With those things in mind, here's my list. It's a compilation of adventures, things I haven't because I'm a slacker jerk, plans for the future, and physical challenges. If you want to join in on any/all, let me know!

1. Fly in a hot-air balloon or hang glider.

2. Complete a Spartan Challenge or other mud obstacle course.

3. Perform stand-up comedy.

4. My e-publishing site, MoananuiVoices.com, is up and running, and I have a plan and a direction to make it a full-time job.

5. Force my husband to take a real family vacation.

6. Back to pre-babies size, or healthiest alternative.

7. Try belly dancing, pole dancing, or Bollywood dancing. Go to at least five classes.

8. Complete MUTU system.

9. Sing with the band!

10. Get another tattoo.

11. (Self?) publish a novel.

12. Do something for 100+ days straight.

13. Complete a declutter project.

14. Register to vote.

15. Do six months' worth (180 days) of meat-free eating.

16. Take each kid somewhere overnight.

17. Write one million words of my own stuff.

18. Send presents or whatever to everyone who responded to that FB post that one time.

19. Walk five million steps (my pedometer app has lifetime steps, so this started in November 2014).

20. Complete a Duolingo language.

21. Correspond with someone (who speaks that language) in that language.

22. Help someone's career.

23. Clean out the stuff I have at my mom's house.

24. Start a podcast.

25. Learn and record myself (and friends, hopefully) doing a WilldaBeest choreography.

26. Institute Hawaiian spirituality practice, a la Ku Kahakalau, in my family.

27. Take a martial art.

28. Write a will and figure out kids' custody and whatnot.

29. Buy an ukulele.

30. Read and review 20 non-fiction books.

31. Complete each kid's first year photo album.

32. Zipline!

33. Write a fan letter to Stephen King.

34. Do a pin-up photo shoot.

35. Complete the Kulaiwi DVD series, or other 'olelo Hawai'i language-learning system.

36. Participate as a family in a community race or run/walk.

37. Donate blood.

38. Write a poem in 'olelo Hawai'i.

39. Cook a turducken!

40. Post each of these to my blog.

And one to grow on: Find five new things to do, five places to travel, and five things to accomplish by age 50!

Overanalyzing "Blurred Lines"/"Can't Stop", just like every other damn person

I know I’m about two months late to the conversation, but I don’t think “Blurred Lines” is rapey. The blurred line being referred to isn’t whether consent is given or not, but rather the confusing prospect (for a guy) of an interested woman who is worried about tarnishing her “good girl” image by doing it rough with a guy.

To me, this is the story this song is telling: A guy and a girl know each other, well enough that he knows how her ex treated her. He tells her he thinks they should hook up, and not just hook up but that rough sex is exactly what she seems to want, even if she hasn’t articulated that per se. He encourages her to “get at” him, if she’s as interested as she thinks he is. He tells her she is “far from plastic,” meaning she shouldn’t put up a façade of disinterest. She makes some reference to “getting plastered” (see the chorus). I take this couplet to mean that she is doing the thing where you pretend to be drunker or more stoned or whatever, as an excuse to do what you would otherwise be too afraid to do. At the end of the song, they smoke a joint, and it’s their “beginning.”

Everybody quotes the line “You know you want it,” to illustrate that it’s rapey (as in the male is projecting his desires onto her), but if you take the narrative of the song, I think he is just stating an opinion. After all, she’s sticking around long enough to hear this entire monologue from him, and smoke the J he offers. The music part of a song evokes a club or party—actually, some kind of brightly lit place with people. Even the music video is (nakie ladies aside) rather innocuous: balloons, silliness, the men ogle but don’t touch, the women do the handling of the men, and are naked or mostly so but still seem comfortable and confident. I think people get offended about this song because the man is kind of cocky (see the Slate article that explains it better than I can), but he still gets the girl. The woman in the song enjoys it, wants to hump the kind of guy who offers “something that will tear your ass in two.” We find it repugnant that a guy like that can get the girl, but the @ss wants what the @ss wants.

Now, placing this song in context with the VMA performance, and it’s like Robin Thicke has gotten exactly what he wished for: Miley Cyrus acted the part of a sexually strong woman. But instead of celebrating her expression of sexual confidence, we get mad because she’s not acting like a “good girl.”

Poor Robin Thicke gets blasted because he’s older and should know better—well, yes, but if you watch the video you can see he’s singing and she bends over in front of him and grinds up on him. He looks like he’s being a good sport about it, grinding back politely (the interesting intersection of hip hop culture and Canadians)—he doesn’t grab at her in any way, and just looks like he’s just hitting his marks. He’s a cog in a larger marketing machine.

As for Miley Cyrus, more, uh, nasty (truthfully, I think the whole thing she has going on is gross and tacky) than this persona she has on right now is that her performance was horrible—poor singing, poor dancing, and the usage of black people as props. She is an entertainer, a performer, and to me she scored low on both those accounts. What's difficult is that Miley (as many female entertainers do) has placed her body as the site of provocation, so any commentary on her work necessarily includes commentary on her body. What Miley sings about and the way she performs becomes who she is, whether true or not.

To her credit, she is living exactly as she sings in her song: saying what she wants, doing what she wants, forgetting haters, etc. No difference has been made between free choice and acting irresponsibly and selfishly, or the difference between sexy and sexual, or provocative and tacky. Miley lives at an unfortunate time in history where we have to go to even greater lengths to shock people; in a few years, entertainers will have to perform naked with monkeys and snakes coupling in order to make a dent in people’s consciousness. Her job was to get attention, and she did that effectively, to whatever detriment to her as a person. She is also just a cog in a larger machine, as much as she thinks she is being an individual.

Both these songs are about free choice, but to very different effect. In “Blurred Lines,” it seems like the woman in the song has to get over her internal hangups to embrace her sexuality. In “Can’t Stop,” it’s doing whatever you want, no matter what anyone says. When those two songs meet, they are just dissimilar enough  to become a commentary sex in modern pop culture.

New Wakey Wakey Morning Playlist: About Damn Time!

After about six months listening to the same morning songs, my family staged a revolt. So I got some new songs. If you want to hear it before you buy it, find me on Spotify.

“Hey Mama” – Mat Kearney

“You Make My Dreams” – Hall & Oates

“Gwarn!” – Pato Banton

“Can’t Keep It In” – Cat Stevens

“Why Why Why” – Lightning Seeds

“And She Was” – Talking Heads

“Empty Bottle Collector” – They Might Be Giants

“Now Is The Start” – A Fine Frenzy

“Lovely, Love My Family” – The Roots

“Up Up Up” – Givers

“You Might Think” – The Cars

“Nice ‘N’ Clean” – Chromeo

“That’s Not My Name” – The Tings Tings

Wakey Wakey Lemon Cakey, August 2012

I am a firm believer that the first hour of your day can shape the rest of your day. When I was in high school, my mother would consistently wake me up seven minutes before my alarm was set to go off (which always made me wonder why she bugged me the night before to make sure I set the alarm in the first place) by yelling at me, "Meredith, get up already! Stop lying around."

I would feel irritated, helpless, resentful, and that I had been robbed of free choice--and all day long I'd feel that "I'm running late" panic (even when not actually running late, which was confusing) with an attendant feeling of not knowing what was expected of me. No one needs that kind of anxiousness, which started at 5:30a.m. and ran another 18 hours, five days a week.

Nowadays, I like to wake up to music. I was looking up "morning playlist" online, and found most of them to be sickeningly sweet, where every song includes "good morning," "sunshine," "hello," or some nauseating combination thereof. I am not a morning person, and would punch someone in the face if I had to listen to "Walking on Sunshine," "Good Morning, Starshine," "Good Day, Sunshine," and "Beautiful Day" every damn morning.

On the flip side are the playlists designed to get you out of bed and ready to punch someone in the face--"I'm awake and full of RAAAAGE" playlists, which include such charming ditties as "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor," Metallica's "The Struggle Within," and anything by Korn. These playlists, incidentally, are identical to the ones dudes make when it's chest and shoulder day at the gym.

The third type of playlist is the mellow playlist--so mellow, in fact, as to not actually wake you up. These playlists often include John Meyer, Jason Mraz, Michael Buble, and Carly Simon, unless "You're so Vain" gets you pumped. With a mellow playlist, you wake up tapping your foot, feeling relaxed and cheerful--and realize you're so relaxed because it's already 11:30 and you've slept til lunch.

Here is my current morning playlist, for your consideration. Of course everyone thinks they have great taste in music, but I had to factor in my husband and kids' taste in music, so that is what makes this playlist especially rocking. If you're on Grooveshark, you can find me (mer4ie) and this playlist.

Let me know what your favorite a.m. songs are; we can start a list.
And stop lying around already!

"Ankle Injuries"--Fujiya & Miyagi
"Boogie-Woogie No. 5"--Puffy Ami Yumi
"Break My Stride"--Matthew Wilder
"Call Your Girlfriend"--Robyn
"Come On Eileen"--Save Ferris
"Danza Kuduro"--Don Omar & Lucenzo
"Good Morning Baltimore"--Hairspray soundtrack
"Good Morning Freedom"--Blue Mink
"Grace Kelly"--MIKA
"Hello Seattle"--Owl City
"Hooked on a Feeling"--Blue Swede (and I dare anyone to stay asleep after the "Ooga Chakka ooga chakka")
"Just Can't Get Enough"--Depeche Mode
"L.O.V.E."--V.V. Brown
"Phat Fish"--Pimpbot
"Silly Love Songs"--Wings
"Stuck Like Glue"--Sugarland
"Take On Me"--A-Ha
"Up Up Up"--Givers
"Walking on Sunshine"--Katrina & the Waves (okokok, I love this song)
"Life's a Happy Song"--The Muppets soundtrack

Thoughts while listening to MDNA and Googling

I recently installed Spotify on my laptop, and it told me Madonna came out with a new album, MDNA. As I did for Lana Del Rey, I decided to listen to Madonna's new album in its entirety, with furious Googling and a kind of stream-of-conscience music/personna review.

Let's begin:

-I wish Madonna would stop referring to herself as a girl. If there is any female in the Western world who exists in the fullness of her womanhood, it is Madonna. I mean, really. She's 53. I'm going to relisten to this album and keep a tally.

-Oh wait, I did know Madonna was coming out with a new album. She performed for the Super Bowl. I remember now, because I caught flack on the Facebooks for saying that when I see Madonna perform nowadays, I want to give her a calcium chew and some sensible shoes. My friend John Paul told me that she was moving like that during the half time show because during dress rehearsal she had pulled a muscle or something. I stand (or step mincingly) corrected.

-In "I'm a Sinner," Madonna refers to St. Anthony, St. Sebastian, and other "saints and holy men." I like that she is expanding her Catholic schtick to include more of that religion's pantheon. And Wiki tells me that St. Sebastian is the patron saint of athletes, archers, homosexuals, and, um, the bubonic plague. And that he's commonly shown tied to a post and being shot with arrows--Madonna even mentions arrows. Aha! Now the "Losing My Religion" video makes more sense.

-"Girl Gone Wild." Again, with the girl thing. But more importantly: the mantyhose video! Meggings, mights, male foundation garments. At this point, I can't even hear the song, for the remembrance of that video is filling up my senses like a night in a steamy, homoerotically charged forest.

-Madonna recently did an interview where she talks about how hard it can be to be the single parent of four kids. Four? Someone picked up another accessory baby and didn't send out a press release. It is also surprising that she would play that card, the "I need to connect to my ladies; I'm just like them" gambit. In my opinion, that's below Madonna. I swear, after the Second Lady of the Iron Brassiere, Hilary Clinton, broke down on the campaign trail, crying about the guilt over eating pizza and not being able to find time to take care of herself (I sound dismissive, but I really felt for her), that is the go-to approach for a strong lady looking to connect with a female audience. With Hilary Clinton, you root for her because, let's face it, she looks like someone has made some easy/poor diet choices, but with Madonna, not only does she look like she could break a mountain lion's neck with her thighs, but also she's rich enough that she can hire nannies for each of her kid's appendages. Perhaps I sound anti-Madonna, but really I'm anti-"I'm just like you!" because clearly a celebrity is delusional if they think they can earn seven figures above me and think they are still just like me (hear that, Gwyneth Paltrow?).

-At the end of "Gang Bang," Madonna says, "If you're going to act like a bitch, you're going to die like a bitch." That's not the damn line!

-The First Lady of the Iron Brassiere is Margaret Thatcher. These are designations I have made myself; there is no official First Lady of the Iron Brassiere society, though I would love to see their coat of arms. Madonna could be the Third Lady of the Iron Brassiere.

-I don't want to focus on Madonna's age, but listening to "Gimme All Your Love" ("L-U-V, Madonna!") I was struck how it sounds like a teeny bopper song. Teenage (or younger) singers often get criticized for singing tunes that are too mature for their age; can Madonna be cited for a song that is too immature for her age?

-EW has a small article about the self-referential bits of MDNA ("Some girls are like a virgin..."). Check it out. They may also talk about her videos (eg, how the mantyhose video resembles those for "Express Yourself" and "Vogue").

-There is a heavy cheerleader vibe on this album: "Gimme All Your Love," "Superstar," "Bday Song." How you feel about cheerleaders and their cheering may well affect how you like this album.

-Absolutemadonna.com says that Madonna is 5'4". Doesn't that seem impossible she's so small?

-Naughty girls, sexy time, sinning, Catholicism--done, done, done, and done. So, what's new on this album? Aside from mantyhose. And Nicki Minaj. "Love Spent" talks about how the singer wants her beloved to pay as much attention to her as he does his money (yes, I assume heterosexuality, just because there are a lot of pronouns in the sentence)--and features a banjo. "I Fucked Up" is a sincere musical apology--or not--which has the most Madonna-ness to it. That's about it, I think.

-"If you were the Mona Lisa, you'd be hanging in the Lourve." Somehow, I thought that analogy was going to go in a different direction.

-I think one of the key facets to consider when reviewing Madonna is danceability. That's what she's known for, musically, right? Despite the aggressive percussion and heavy electronic influence, I don't feel this album is particularly danceable (there are a couple tracks where I bob in my chair, but nothing I would classify as a dancefloor killer)--but it's ripe for a kickass remix album (as evidenced by the "Give Me All Your Love" remix at the end of this album).

-Why do we even call them 'albums' anymore?

-Ok, I was too busy to count every instance, but there are over 15 references to Madonna being a "girl."

-To pick up on an a couple earlier points, aside from danceability, what is the level of Madonna-ness on this album? What is Madonna trying to do with album? Is she successful? Do we buy this album because it is Madonna, or because it is awesome? Is this album the next step in her development as an artist? By the title, I figure the theme is something like the parts that make up Madonna, the building blocks of her as an artist. (Or maybe it was just supposed to be catchy.) So, in that sense, with the naughty girl, sexy time, etc. bits, and the self-references (even though that kind of meta, right--that Madonna is made up of bits of Madonna), it's true to the building blocks idea, but having so many blocks, as it were, doesn't leave that much for artist development.

Favorite tracks: I Fucked Up, Girl Gone Wild, I'm a Sinner.

Verdict: I might buy a couple, but no huge iTunes download. 2.85/5 stars

Addendum: An IM convo with Nick Carraway
Nick Carraway [2:50 PM]:　wow, kinda harsh　funny and true points thoMeredith Enos [2:50 PM]:　hm　i wanted to like it but i just didn't　i do love mantyhoseNick Carraway [2:50 PM]:　haha　that's the first time i've heard that term　it makes sense to me though because i am familiar with "moobs"Meredith Enos [2:51 PM]:　and murses?Nick Carraway [2:51 PM]:　it's a European Handbag dammit!Meredith Enos [2:52 PM]:　hee hee hee　i think i might need to write more on artist development. despite the fact that i love madonna, i don't like this album probably because she's had, like, 20 albums already.　shouldn't she have better rhymes? melodies? more mature subject matter?Nick Carraway [2:54 PM]:　agree about the subject matter　i heard an interview from the guy from megadeath　not that i really like that band　but anyway he was saying that it's much harder to create albums as your career goes on　because you have your whole previous life time and experience to create the first album, but the second one has to be cranked out in a much shorter time periodMeredith Enos [2:56 PM]:　hmm　i guess but madonna lives a rich and full life. you'd think she has a lot stuff to write songs aboutNick Carraway [2:57 PM]:　yeah, but has she really faced that much adversity recently　?　like u pointed out, she can't relate to everyday working moms Meredith Enos [2:57 PM]:　there isn't that much difference in this album than, say, miley cyrus or whoever　she did a film about malawiNick Carraway [2:57 PM]:　yeah, n george clooney got arrested in sudan　doesn't mean they're africanMeredith Enos [2:58 PM]:　she could write about world peace, being a strong woman in a man's world, aging, learning, etc.Nick Carraway [2:59 PM]:　or the mystical secrets of kabbalahMeredith Enos [2:59 PM]:　it makes me think about her 24 year old (or whatever) boyfriend: does she think she's getting this guy because she's a cougar, or because she's as appealing in the same way as a 24 year old? you know what i mean?　i would love a song about the kabbalahNick Carraway [3:01 PM]:　agreed.　i dont think she thinks shes a 24 year oldMeredith Enos [3:01 PM]:　but the music feels like something a 24 year old would make. Nick Carraway [3:02 PM]:　it could be her trying to keep up with the ke$ha's and katy perry's of the worldMeredith Enos [3:02 PM]:　so that's my point: is the appeal of madonna that she's just as appealing as a 24 year old, or because she's effin madonna　yep. sadNick Carraway [3:02 PM]:　or it could be her producer just pushing her into the radio popular soundMeredith Enos [3:02 PM]:　
　can't think too well; now i'm listening to the new nicki minaj and it's distracting me.　she repeats herself a lot　i think nicki ran out of lyricsNick Carraway  [3:04 PM]:　I want to hear itMeredith Enos [3:05 PM]:　there's that song on the radio where she just goes "IIIIIIIII" for 16 measures. Girl needs a vacation. Or a thesaurus.yep. also sad.

Ergonomics: A Quiz Featuring Sex Toys

So it all started with this:

It's a lip balm by EOS. My friend Walter said it looked like it was supposed to vibrate. I told him it was supposed to be ergonomic. He replied, "It would be more ergonomic if it vibrated."

I didn't think much of his comment until I came across an ad for this in a magazine:

Lotion, also by EOS, also with ergonomic design. Now, I don't think I have a particularly dirty mind, but just a few pages later in this magazine, I came across another ad, this one for this:

 

And yes, this one is a sex toy.

So, for funsies, I decided to do a little Googling on sex toys and ergonomic design, for points of convergence and divergence--and have compiled some images here for you, in quiz form. Now, I am not any kind of product rep, so should you find any of these products, um, inspiring, or you're like, "How does that even work?!" I have to tell you I don't know. It's like the three shells in Demolition Man. Anyway, answers at bottom.

1.

2.

3.

 

4.

 

5.

6.

 

7.

8.

9.

 

10.

 

11,

12,

13.

14.

15.

 

Answers:

1. Pen; 2. Sex toy; 3. Chair; 4. Sex toy; 5. Wii bowling apparatus; 6. Chair; 7. Sex toy; 8. Digital jump rope; 9. Baster; 10. Sex toy; 11. Kitchen implement; 12. Sex toy; 13. Garlic peeler; 14. Sex toy; 15. Garlic crusher

If you scored:

13-15: You are into kitchen implements, furniture, sex toys, or some combination thereof.

9-12: You generally see things as they are, but can get... imaginative, if the situation calls for it.

5-8: You're kind of boring. There, I said it.

4 or less: You need to get out more. Put some shoyu into your life! Or, you're twelve years old and shouldn't be taking these kinds of quizzes anyway.